Royal Icing: The Queens Tea (No Apostrophe Needed)

Who doesn't love a wedding? In the style of the Queen, my office chums and I decided to celebrate the Royal Wedding with a proper afternoon tea. Queens of a different stripe, my buddy Don and I directed the effort to put on the semi-glamorous theme party. I think it came together gloriously.

(This is Stevi, not Don. He was feeling a little camera shy. Stevi, however, was not.)

I had wanted to serve fruit cake (another great pun ha!). To my chagrin, no grocers in all of Columbus sell fruit cakes this time of year. Nor do they sell the candied fruits needed to bake a scratch version correctly.

In all, we served cucumber sandwiches, toasted crumpets with vanilla curd and strawberry jam, pecorino romano crusted biscuits (not shown), mini cinnamon coffee cakes, coco-raspberry tea biscuits, and, of course, tea.

Herbed Cream Cheese and Cucumber Sandwiches with Dill

Did I mention we threw this whole affair together in about an hour? No? Well we did - hence the paper plates and plastic serving spoons.

This is my best attempt at a "foodie" style close-up. Pure food porn!

Please do not confuse the crumpet with the Americanized "English muffin". While they are similar in flavor, the crumpet came first and defines its particular baked-goods category. This is how a crumpet looks; the holes and crannies are not hidden within a roll that requires splitting. The crannies form on the top of the crumpet while it bakes. Imagine a pancake allowed to bake without flipping - the ridges of batter formed by escaping CO2 bubbles set into a great texture that toasts really well.

One would broil or toast one's crumpets if following closely with tradition. We had neither a broiler nor a toaster in our office. Enter the Presto Pizza Pizzazz - our favorite office equipment. Who knew it would make the perfect crumpet toaster?

Adventures in Food Porn: Sexy Gyro Time

Nice stack of pancakes... no really. I like how you staked up your flapjacks on that vintage blue Fiestaware plate and then shot from a low angle, in natural light.

I really, really love "Food Porn". Give me my iPad and a dozen food blogs with amazing close-up photos of delicious dishes and I'm a very happy boy. Don't even get me started on multi-step recipes illustrated with multiple photos! When I can see parts of the cook's kitchen, well-worn tools, or the family dog sneaking into the shot, I get a voyeuristic thrill that verges on unhealthy. Not really. However, there's no shame in looking and no one believes you spend all that time just reading the articles.

I've decided to develop my food pornographer photo skills by snapping shots of my lunch from time to time. Today's grab-and-go offering was a fantastic lamb gyro with cucumber sauce and fries from Acropolis Gyro in Columbus, Ohio. I present to you:

My Lunch My Sexy Lunch

Don't be too harsh a critic. This is my first foray into making greasy grab-and-go look like anything other than greasy grab-and-go. I think I could have finessed the angle a little lower to deemphasize the fries and make them look a little more architectural. Likewise, I should have removed some of the overpowering lettuce and more carefully folded back the gyro wrapper. And I know my phone's camera is pretty crap-tastic.

But hey, I'm putting my work out there, man. You think Heff knew how to angle the beave key-light the models on day one?

Camera Shy: My Italian Easter Tradition

I spent a weekend eating amazing food and wasn't able to take a single picture. I forgot my camera before making the three hour trek back home to visit the family for Easter. My very Italian grandparents made my favorite cultural food item of all time: Ham Pie!

This is where a picture would be very handy. You see, ham pie is hard to describe. Imagine a crust-less quiche that is twice as thick and twice as dense as a traditional quiche. It is filled with cubed pepperoni, capicola salami, ham, provolone and basket cheese. These ingredients are suspended in an egg strata that is very heavy on the eggs and very light on any dairy - this is the source of the density. Some bake these pies in traditional, round pie dishes, however my family favors the 12x18 casserole dish.

Though a point of contention, my grandparents insist that ham pie was never meant to have a crust. Other sources think otherwise.

The legend that my Grandmother tells, is that ham pie must be served on the Saturday before Easter Sunday. However, the delicious meats must be prepared and cubed on Good Friday to torment the good Catholic's soul. As practicing Catholics must abstain from eating meat on Fridays in Lent, this last Friday is both the most holy and the hardest to get through after one's resolve has been tested for 40 days. Imagine the temptation of having pound upon pound of delicious gourmet deli meat cubed on the counter in discrete nibble-sized bites. Maybe God won't notice this one little bite of capicola. Maybe I'll burn in Hell for all eternity. Oh the torment!

We also indulge in two offshoots of the ham pie family - macaroni pie and rice pie. Macaroni pie is like the vegetarian version of ham pie where the cook substitutes cooked macaroni for the meat products. (Macaroni pie is secretly my favorite. I can never admit this to my grandmother who - in a classic Italian rivalry with her sister - believes that macaroni pie is an inferior dish to serve when celebrating the holiest of holy days but begrudgingly serves it anyway.)

Rice pie, like its siblings, involves about a dozen eggs but is sweetened and filled with cooked rice. Because my grandmother is from Naples and Neapolitan cooks like to put dried fruit in almost anything, she makes two pans of rice pie, one with raisins. This is not to be confused with rice puddings of other cultures (i.e. the rest of Europe i.e. the Germans i.e. the commie bastards who seduced Mussolini into disgracing the entire proud race of Italians). This is a rice pie and we just happen to be fond of putting raisins in it because raisins are great in everything!

So there you have it. My favorite Italian culinary tradition of all time and the reason I managed to gain about ten pounds in one weekend.

Royal Icing: Fruitcake Versus Cookie Cake

The wedding is upon us! Wills and Kate will be married in London on April 29,2011 at 11:30am (that's 6:30am EST - yikes). While the world is fawning over Kate Middleton's grace and Prince William's budding regal charms, I'm most worried about the food.

Apparently, the official wedding cake will be a fruitcake.

(Time reports in the link below.)
Royal Wedding Cakes Face Off: Fruitcake Versus Cookie Cake

Will this cake resemble the dense fruitcakes we enjoy at Christmas? Traditional - by American standards - fruitcakes seem oddly rustic for a refined royal event. Will it be frosted or syrup-glazed? If glazed, how would one decorate the cake?

Perhaps wedding fruitcakes dwell in that odd British desert realm of "pudding" whereupon there are hundreds of variations. In my mind, I envision a much lighter type of fruit-studded cake like an Italian panettone. (Though, truthfully, panettone reminds me much more of bread than cake in consistency and sweetness.)

Stay tuned food fans! I'm on the case.

Happy Passover: Jew Chips

(Standard Joe Humor Disclaimer - I'm not an antisemitic person; not even a little bit. I do, however, think we should appreciate and have a little fun with the holidays of every religion.)

Raise the roof, it's Passover!

Sometimes youth marketing just doesn't work for the more solemn and holy of religious observances. But what to do if you are a young, hip Jew getting ready to observe Passover? Kosher for Passover laws are like Kosher law on steroids. What does God have against 95% of American snack foods? [Insert the opposite of "mazel tov"]!

Kosher Law dictates the foods and food preparations that are suitable for observant Jews to consume. During the week of Passover, however, these laws get extremely specific.

Passover serves as a reminder of the ancient Jew's flight from Egypt and slavery. Essentially, because the ancient Jews fled in such a hurry - so fast, in fact, that they didn't even have time to let their bread rise - observant Jews of today shun all forms of leavening and fermentation to relive those troubled times. Leavened and fermented products are also fairly luxurious things to indulge in while reflecting on the defining strife of one's ancestors. How easy would it be to identify with the starvation of thousands while chowing-down on a meal of chocolate cake and single malt scotch?

What does this have to do with potato chips? Corn is on the list of “Kitniyos”. These grains are similar to wheat and have the potential to naturally rise during the cooking process and should be avoided during Passover. Guess what most potato chips are fried in? That's right; corn oil or corn oil blends!

Enter Frito Lay's Kosher for Passover Salted Potato Chips(tm)! Or as I introduced them to my cubicle neighbors "Jew chips". (How's that for burying the lead ten feet deep?)

Today, I stumbled across the Kosher for Passover aisle at my local grocery. I was amused to find these Israeli-imported Lay's chips nestled among the matzoh and Passover wine. Hunger struck and curiosity won the day. $2.99 later, I walked out of the grocery with a rabbinically-blessed, six ounce bag of plain potato chips.

Except for the higher unit price, there's not a whole lot of flavor difference between Kosher for Passover Lay's chips and regular Lay's chips. They taste a little lighter and are slightly less greasy. They also seem slightly less salty. I should also note three distinctions. First, these chips are fried in palm oil instead of corn oil. Secondly, they manage to pack in twenty more calories per serving (170 vs. 150). Lastly, these were manufactured in Israel. That's not such a win for the local food movement as they have been shipped half way around the globe. But, I would imagine that this Israeli factory makes these chips all year long and we import them domestically out of convenience.

So there you have it. Jew chips! What better way to ease into the appreciation of a new culture than to start with the twin of a product that you already enjoy? Besides, in a week, all these products will be slash-priced to move and ready to hop into trendy Gentile's carts from coast to coast.

Case of the Mondays: Game Plans for the Week

Hello Monday!

I thought I'd take some time today to game-plan for the week of food posts. I'm feeling peas and I'm craving brussels sprouts. I think might photo blog this tasty looking pea salad. Mayhaps I will get nutty on some brussels sprouts with this tangy take on a classic. Stay tuned for this one - I have no idea if brussels sprouts are still in season but we will see what Whole Foods has to say about that.

I'm also working on a "In case you are a complete moron: Navigating taco trucks" piece and maybe something along the lines of "Give it the Gusto: Cake-off Challenge." This second piece will be long in the making because i need to find another gullible rube gutsy novice baker willing to go head-to-head with me on a Food Network style cake decorating challenge. I will also be in need of a much bigger kitchen to use for the photo shoot.

Stay tuned food fans!

- Joe

From Around the Foodie Interwebs: Spices

Let's here it for guys who food blog! While I'm a huge fan of all food bloggers and 1000 times more feminist than the typical NASCAR dad, I have a soft spot for men who aren't afraid to get wordy about food lovin'.

(In the same light, I appreciate food dudes who don't over-do the macho factor. No one needs to paint flames on their KitchenAid stand mixers or make continuous allusions to food-augmented skirt chasing - come on guys, you're pushing.)

Casual Kitchen is one of my favorite blogs by a food dude. Today he dishes out some practical advice on the shelf life of spices. In a nutshell, he suggests that the 6-month disposal rule for spices is nutty. I couldn't agree more. (Click through to his full post.)

Spices are expensive! All too often, certain spices come into vogue and slip out just as quickly. Flavor profiles come and go with the season as well. Using much nutmeg in June? Pulling out that spicy mustard powder or that kickin' Montreal steak rub in January? Just because the spice companies suggest we toss that $6 half-jar of yummy at a set date, should we?

Foodies love to brag about our ability to see, taste, smell, and feel all that is new and wondrous in the culinary world. Why would we push these senses aside when evaluating our spice collection? If you're concerned about the potency of your cardamom, open the jar. Smell it, taste it, and visually inspect the quality - just like you did at the farmers market when you bought three ounces on a whim. :)

Grow Up and Cook Something! Sriracha Mayo

You're busy, I get it. You put in about sixty hours a week at the office, you're trying to meet that someone special, and you still have eight more hours of Bones on TiVo. Wouldn't it be nice to use those 150 wasted feet of tiny apartment? You can and I'll help.

Thursdays are hereby devoted to quick and easy recipes designed to ease you into back into the kitchen. It's time to get cooking.

Today we will explore Sriracha Mayo. While I love this drizzled on fish tacos (see below), it works on just about anything. I use it to spice up take-out hamburgers, smear it over char-grilled steak, and adore it as a chicken strip dip.

Sriracha Mayo
1 cup mayonnaise
1 tablespoon Sriracha hot sauce
1/2 lime, juiced
1 pinch (about 1/4 teaspoon) salt

1. Combine the mayonnaise and Sriracha hot sauce. My preference is to use a tablespoon for medium heat but feel free to adjust the measurement to your own taste.

2. Squeeze fresh lime juice into bowl, scooping out any seeds that might drop in. The goal is to develop a loose sauce consistency suitable for drizzling. If too loose, add more mayo. If too thick, add more lime juice.

3. Season with salt to taste - I use a hearty pinch or about 1/4 teaspoon.

There are two key notes to this process. First, don't get fancy with it; all you need is a small bowl and a fork to mix. Secondly, "to taste" is an important note. It's not only okay to taste your food while cooking, it is encouraged. Frequent tasting allows the cook to adjust the flavor continuously and prevents inedible results.

Fish Tacos, One Pan
1 box better-quality breaded fish fillets, frozen
1/4 head each red and green cabbage (or substitute shredded coleslaw mix)
12 soft taco shells (wheat or white corn)
6-8oz shredded jack cheese
Sriracha Mayo (recipe above)

1. Throw the frozen, breaded fish fillets onto a baking sheet and into the oven. Follow the package directions and don't forget to pre-heat.

2. Shred red cabbage and green cabbage. If you're not feeling the shred that day, buy a bag of coleslaw mix - you can find it next to the pre-bagged salads in the supermarket.

3. Layer cooked fish sticks, shredded cabbage, and a light sprinkling of shredded jack cheese into taco shells.

4. Drizzle with Sriracha mayo

I like to keep my fish tacos pretty simple. You may want to additional toppings such as diced tomatoes, green chillies, sliced jalapeños, or diced onion. I try not to overpower the flavor of the fish. Also, if you can't find shredded jack cheese (the all white jack, not the orange and white colby jack), mozzarella is a nice substitute. Again, let at least some of the mild whitefish flavor shine through. I, myself, do not partake of the dairy so I leave the cheese off all together. Sriracha Mayo has a nice creamy undertone of its own. And I'm not going to lie - this recipe works spectacularly with good old fish sticks. Just throw around the terms "low country" or "retro" if anyone sees you eating them.

Back in the Day: Scrod

Sometimes it’s best to begin at the beginning. My earliest love affair with food was sparked by one of the most humble of menu offerings; scrod.

In Kingsville, Ohio, a tiny town on the Great Lakes, my mom and dad religiously gathered their four children every Friday evening, piled us all into a car, and drove exactly one mile to our favorite restaurant. The target? “ A.U.C.E. Scrod Dinner w/ Rolls”.

Subsequently, as I grew older and more precocious, two things really started to bother me about that lighted marquee on the street. First, the acronym should be A.Y.C.E. Secondly, why were the rolls a selling point? They came with everything whether you wanted them or not. But, I digress.

I never realized that Scrod was such a controversial dish until college. I was waxing nostalgic with a few other foodie-inclined friends when they nearly laughed me out of the Ohio State student union. Apparently two camps were forming. One camp thought “scrod” sounded like some sort of antiquated euphemism for boy bits, while the other pretty much called me a country rube. “Scrod,” this second group pontificated, “is nothing more than local slang for ‘mystery fish’.”

Well, let’s explore the roots of the underappreciated and often maligned menu item.

The scrod I knew and loved had always been served to me in one of two ways. The first was indulgent. Cornmeal battered and deep fried planks of the dense, semi-sweet, boneless whitefish lay hot and steaming alongside a pile of crisp steak fries and a rather large ramekin of homemade tartar sauce. The second was oft considered the “healthy” option. Rich filets of butter-basted, flakey, boneless, skinless whitefish had been baked and nestled against a mammoth baked potato and steamed vegetable du jour. (This is some serious Paula Deen gastro-mathematics: steamed vegetables do not negate an entire stick of butter.)

Despite preparation, it was well known that the restaurant had just served two preparations of the same fish: Cod. Nay, it was not just cod but something far more coveted. Scrod was technically young cod that had not matured beyond three pounds at catch. It was like the veal of cod. And it was A.U.C.E. awesome.

Though a popular definition among fishing towns in the Great Lakes and along the Eastern Seaboard, many disagree with this simple definition. “It’s an acronym!” they shout. It stands for “Secured Catch Received on Dock.” In Boston parlance, this holds an air of superiority. These were the crème de la crème of the catch of the day, reserved by the fisherman for only his most select restaurant clients. Though such clients primarily preferred the density and sweetness of super-fresh cod, haddock and Pollock were two other suitable substitutions.

As this haute acronym marched its way out of the east coast and into the Midwest, it lost some of its panache. I am sure some unscrupulous restaurateurs, trying to scrape together two extra nickels to pay the grocer, took a few liberties with the substitution clause in the definition.Over time, the “known only to those in the know” mystique of this fish offering had been all but lost.

Ultimately, whether you head out for a hearty meal of young cod or strive to sample the “vintner’s select” of whitefish (regardless of species), you are really heading in the same delicious direction. Great, unpretentious, American cuisine is never without a story and often the subject of debate. But that’s what makes it fun, don’t you think?

Welcome to Lunch Cart! It's sometimes geeky, always tasty, but never pretentious.